But what if that’s all you have known and that’s the space you have operated from constantly? Knowing the way, the world works wasn’t designed for you and many others you know, love, care about, have lost, are yet to meet and will never meet but you know that a shared connection of injustice means regardless somehow in this matrix of a world, we are connected.

When you have operated from this space for as long as you can remember. As someone who feels everything so deeply it can become difficult to know any different but sometimes all you know is if you don’t at least try and be part of a solution it will only get worse. In fact, you have no option but to be part of the solution. Knowing now my brain is unique, I am unique, I know why I was made the way I was with all my quirks and my neurodivergence and my ability to see things in a way not many people can.

But when you don’t know it has a ripple effect on all corners of your life, from your future plans, your career, your mental health to your physical health, relationship with your own body, and that happened to me several times.

Healing from trauma is a deeply personal and transformative journey that varies for everyone. It involves acknowledging, processing, and ultimately finding ways to move forward from the emotional and psychological wounds caused by traumatic experiences and let me tell you it isn’t always pretty either. The journey often involves obstacles, detours and some delays and setbacks.

You often don’t know where you’re going but you know you can’t stay where you are. And for someone with OCD who needs to be in control let me tell you that wasn’t easy, but I knew if I didn’t start the journey of healing, I felt like I would physically explode.

There was some work I needed to do and will continue to do forever:

Recognition and Acknowledgment: This part was pretty easy for me because my body made me recognise. I don’t think I still fully am there yet, but I’ve come a long way and that’s ok too. There’s 36 years’ worth of stuff it’s not going in a year but I’m no longer afraid to recognise and acknowledge anymore.

Seeking Support: My support network has been THE BIGGEST and most crucial part of my healing journey. Since the start of my journey, I am so overwhelmed at the amount of just awesome people that have come into my life and lifted me. My whole network and support system has changed bar one or two people and it’s exactly what I needed. The siblinghood is strong! Having someone to listen, validate your experiences, and provide guidance can be immensely helpful in navigating the healing process. Also, I cannot stress the importance of therapy (whatever that may look like for you)

Processing and Integrating: Processing the traumatic experiences involve gradually exploring and making sense of the emotions, memories, and beliefs associated with the trauma. This can often be done through therapy, but also through self-reflection, journaling, or engaging in creative outlets such as art or music. For me it has become writing and creating content. The goal is to integrate these aspects of the self into a narrative, my narrative that I own has really helped me to support my own understanding and acceptance. I will talk about how I did this further through my blog.

Building Coping Mechanisms: Developing healthy coping mechanisms is essential in healing from trauma. This may involve learning relaxation techniques, practicing mindfulness, engaging in physical activities, or seeking solace in hobbies and interests. Coping mechanisms provide a sense of stability and help in managing triggers or distressing emotions that may arise during the healing process. This will look different to everyone; my ADHD stillness will look very different to someone else who classes themselves as “neurotypical”. I have a complicated relationship with quiet and stillness, so my relaxation will look very different to someone else’s but that is ok because its mine.

Self-Compassion and Self-Care: Healing from trauma requires self-compassion and self-care. It is important to treat yourself with kindness, understanding that healing takes time and may involve setbacks. Practicing self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and your spirit. This is the one I struggle with the most, but the great thing is I have surrounded myself with great people who force me to take care of myself when I need it the most and give me the compassion when I struggle to give it to myself. I know I am not there yet, and I am ok with this because we are all a work in progress and this journey will never be done.

Meaning-Making and Growth: As healing progresses, try and find meaning in our experiences. This can be reframing the trauma as an opportunity for growth, finding purpose, or discovering newfound strengths. This isn’t about minimising our trauma; this is about our own healing and taking back the control and finding purpose.

Integration and Empowerment: The final stage of the healing journey involves integrating the healing process into who you are and reclaiming a sense of empowerment. This may mean advocating for yourself, setting boundaries, and making choices that align with your needs and your values. The ability to be able to embrace personal agency and empowerment allows you to reclaim control over your live and move forward with confidence. This isn’t always easy especially in some communities where boundaries aren’t a thing! Shout out to all those folks out there breaking generational curses — I see you!

It is important to note that healing from trauma is a nonlinear process, and each person’s journey is unique. It takes time, patience, and self-compassion to navigate through the healing process successfully. Professional support and a strong support network can be invaluable resources along the way.

Let’s talk about anger…

I was living in fight, flight, or freeze. My defaults always been fight. I’ve been angry for as long as I can remember but it wasn’t a negative.

Anger is a very black and white concept especially in relation to Global Majority women.

We see the weaponisation of anger against Global Majority woman especially Black women happen so often, too often in fact. It is a complex and multifaceted issue rooted in systemic racism, sexism, and intersecting forms of oppression. It involves the deliberate manipulation and misrepresentation of the legitimate anger expressed by Global Majority women to undermine their credibility, dismiss their concerns, gaslight and perpetuate harmful stereotypes.

Historically, Global Majority women especially Black women have been subjected to various forms of discrimination, and marginalisation. When they express anger or frustration in response to these injustices, their emotions are often dismissed or invalidated. This dismissal is often based on racial and gender stereotypes that portray them as aggressive, irrational, dramatic, overreacting, or dangerous, perpetuating harmful narratives that serve to silence and discredit their experiences. This portrayal is used to undermine their credibility and dismiss the validity of their concerns, effectively silencing their voices and maintaining the status quo.

Additionally, Global Majority women who express anger may face severe consequences, such as being labeled as “angry Black women” or “angry or domineering/bossy South Asian woman,” which further perpetuates harmful stereotypes. These stereotypes not only disregard the nuances and complexities of individual experiences but also contribute to the erasure of their voices and the devaluation of their emotions.

As a society, many of us struggle with anger as an emotion. It’s deemed wild, dangerous, and out of control, but I have to say, I would be concerned if the world existed without it. There are healthy and unhealthy sides to all our emotions including happiness. Let’s think about how many people we know or have seen looking like the happiest person in the world smiling from ear to ear only to find out they died by suicide.

Anger, often associated with negative connotations, is an intense emotion that can be overwhelming if left unchecked. However, it is important to recognise that anger, when channeled positively, can bring about numerous benefits. The first question we really have to ask is who gets to decide what is and what isn’t positive anger? I guess we all know what positive anger isn’t, but white supremacy culture has allowed the weaponisation of positive anger to not allow those who are the most impacted to express any positive emotions associated with anger without consequence, that we rarely talk about or acknowledge.

My positive anger becomes a powerful motivator. It fuels a real sense of determination in me. That is what propels me to act towards rectifying injustices or resolving conflicts. Positive anger ignites a fire within me, pushing me to challenge the status quo and actively work towards positive change.

Positive anger has positives:

Problem-Solving: We know that when we are experiencing anger, our cognitive abilities often become heightened. This heightened state of alertness can enhance problem-solving skills, allowing individuals to think more critically and find creative solutions. Positive anger can help individuals analyse situations objectively, enabling them to propose effective strategies or address underlying issues that may have been overlooked. My brain works like this all the time, I live here, it’s just how I operate.

Emotional Release and Catharsis: Suppressing anger can lead to pent-up emotions, stress, many chronic pain disorders, autoimmune diseases, digestive issues, cardiovascular conditions, and other health issues that are triggered by trauma and stress which, negative impact our mental and physical well-being. However, when anger is expressed appropriately, it can act as a release mechanism, providing a sense of catharsis. Positive anger allows individuals to let go of built-up tension, providing emotional relief and promoting overall emotional well-being.

Social Change and Advocacy: Throughout history, positive anger has been a driving force behind significant social change and advocacy movements. When individuals unite in their anger towards societal injustices, it can lead to collective action and positive transformations. Positive anger has the potential to mobilise communities, raise awareness, and bring about lasting change in many movements.

Energy: From a survival perspective anger energises us which means we’re better equipped to keep ourselves safe. Due to the neurological responses of anger, we experience increased vigilance, better ability to access internal resources and promotes creativity for reaching our objective.

In my opinion we sometimes blur the boundaries between anger, aggression, and violence but they are not all the same things. But what did happen a couple of years ago is my healthy anger was suppressed.

When anger arises, we feel called upon to prevent or terminate immediate threats to our welfare, or to the well-being of those we care about. Altruism is often born from anger; when it comes to mobilising other people and creating support for a cause, no emotion is stronger. So, if being altruistic is considered a fundamental aspect of human nature and is often encouraged and celebrated in various cultures and belief systems, and it plays a crucial role in fostering social cohesion, empathy, and collective well-being, then we have to recognise where it could stem from. For me positivity alone is insufficient to the task of helping us navigate social interactions and relationships. My anger was strong to drive change but in 2020–2022 it all changed:

I was consistently asked “why are you angry?” Why my healthy anger was now seen as aggression because it was louder for Black and Global Majority folks intersectionally:

I was told the things I was trying to change wouldn’t be changed (while harm was actively being caused to me and others around me as well as globally)

I was being purposely triggered in ways that were intentional.

My boundaries were not respected.

I was told my motivation was only good for optics.

The gaslighting and harm was real.

All while my body was taking score.

I found I lost the ability to check in with myself frequently to assess whether my anger was increasing, decreasing, or stable in any given situation… and the impact was my mental and physical health. My healthy anger was being suppressed. It felt like the fire in my soul kept being ignited, and then put out with a bucket of water, and every hour I was trying to ignite it again, and my body, and my soul was exhausted.

So, I had to create, I had to write, I had to get it out of me one way or another. I am a creative I always have been. I didn’t start writing for likes or followers I wrote because I needed to. I had to for me. I could no longer hold it in. I had to absorb and rinse (a cool analogy I learnt from willl.i.am). When a creative individual is said to have to “absorb then rinse,” it typically refers to a creative process or technique where one immerses themselves in various sources of information, or experiences, absorbing them deeply, and then “rinses” or filters out what is not needed or not serving them to be able to absorb again. It was the only way I could get through the days and survive everyday through such toxicity and harm but still show up for those who needed me every day.

Eventually I realised this was really helping me, and if it helps me then it might help others too and that’s how my journey continues today. Today I get several messages and comments a week from people telling me how what I write helps them to feel seen and help them start or on their healing journey.

I try to be a bit more strategic just because of time, but mostly I just write because I need to for me. It’s my healing journey and now I know it’s part of others healing journeys too not because of anything else. For me collective healing and tackling systemic injustice is the goal.

When I started, I wrote from a very different place of anger, it was a place where my anger was supressed because those who had power and privilege were successful in supressing my healthy anger and making me feel like it was a bad thing. Today I am well into my healing journey, I still write from anger, but my anger is a fire that burns bright in my soul, that makes me get up every morning and remember what I’m here to do.

Positive anger that is kept in check is not rage. Positive anger can be a catalyst for change and social progress when we allow it to be channelled constructively and with purpose, it can motivate just one person and communities to challenge injustices, advocate for rights, and strive for a more equitable society for us all. Positive anger can fuel activism, mobilise collective action, and inspire people to question and challenge oppressive systems and practices, while raising awareness, promoting dialogue, and promoting empathy and understanding among different groups. By harnessing the energy of anger in a positive way, individuals can work towards dismantling systemic inequalities and creating a more just and inclusive world, and isn’t that something we need more of right now?

Let’s change the narrative on positive anger. It’s fuel to a fire. But also let’s be clear white supremacy and white supremacy culture does not get to decide what is and what isn’t positive anger!

So yes, I’m Hannah I’m an angry Brown woman with a fire in my soul to change the world and proud of it. The difference is today those people who made me think that was a bad thing no longer take up space in my room, my head, or my soul.